.I am a galley slave to pen & ink.

Irritated.

So, so irritated.  I know why, & I know there’s nothing I can do right now.  It’s going to irritate me until it all blows over.  Half of it doesn’t even exist, so I don’t know why that bothers me.  There’s just all these questions that are going unanswered & I’m stuck right here until they are answered for me.  I need to turn to God right now & let Him take hold & handle it.  He’s never let me down before & I don’t think He will now.  Take a deep breath, don’t let it overtake you, & move forward.  Prayer is a powerful tool.  Instead of being irritated by the things I can’t change, let go & let God change them.  This is what I need to do.

No longer irritated.

It’s the first Christmas without my Gramma.  It’s been almost eight months now since she passed.  It’s weird, not hearing her call, wanting to figure everything out for Christmas Eve at their house.  My grandpa doesn’t even want to put up anything that has to do with Christmas.  Christmas was also her birthday.  She always pulled things together, whether we liked it or not; which, in the end, we always did.  I miss her.  Even though we didn’t see eye-to-eye on most things, I miss her.  I miss taking her to get her hair done, & to Macy’s to pick out gifts for birthdays & Christmas.  It still seems like she’s just gone for a little while, but she’ll be back someday.  I don’t know when it will finally sink in.  She was the only grandma I ever really had.  My father’s mom died because she kept smoking, even while on an oxygen machine, when I was young.  I watched her die, first slowly & alive, then on a machine that blew up her lungs for her while her brain was dead.  I cried, but I couldn’t fully understand her being gone, so it never really bothered me.  & I guess a little bit of it is that she did it to herself.  & my step-grandma I had for twelve years never really liked me & treated me like a true step-child. 

But Gramma, the grandma I had for twenty years, I miss her.  God, I miss her.